There is nothing wrong with you

In my workshops and coaching, people often ask me, “but why am I this way?

  • “Why am I shy with the people I’m attracted to?”
  • “Why do I have a hard time feeling love and support?”
  • “Why do I have difficulty making decisions?”
  • “Why do I have a hard time setting boundaries with people?”

…And so on. It boils down to this question:

“Why do I have this repeating behavior pattern that I don’t like?”

Which, put even more simply, is really the question:

“What’s wrong with me?”

But “barking up the tree” of “why” is a waste of time.

We think that understanding the reason we behave the way we do will naturally lead to solutions for those troubling behaviors.

But usually it doesn’t.

In fact, pursuing “why” can even lock in the problem behavior. We end up using our reasons “why” we are like this as reasons we can’t change.

Let me put the “why” question to rest for you:

The reason you are the way you are — the reason you’ve taken on the behaviors, beliefs and limitations you’ve taken on — is because those behaviors were the best ways to navigate whatever difficulties you faced in your childhood.

We could do an emotional process to show you this, but we don’t need to. It is so.

You took on the behaviors you needed to take on, in order to make it through your childhood.

And it worked.

Those behaviors and beliefs may be out of date now. They may cause trouble, and may need to be updated.

But you don’t have to spend your time worrying about “why?”

You can stop asking, “Why do I do the things I do?”

You can stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?”

Because there’s nothing wrong with you. You may need to update old coping strategies… but there’s nothing wrong with you about that.

How to Run Carpet Work More Quickly Lesson 3: Emotional Sacrifice

The Hazards of “Thinking Big” Part 2


In my last video (click here to watch it), I talked about how the ability to continue to hold on to a vision is the big difference between people who are successful and people who try, but fail.

The people who can hold their vision, no matter what happens, are the people who can “Think Big,” and get big results.

For the rest of us, it might be a little more complicated.

You see…

“Thinking big” won’t work for you if your experiences have taught you that the world is set up for you to fail. 

Put another way…

To “think big,” you have to change your WORLD.

If you’ve ever tried “thinking big” and it hasn’t worked for you — or if you’d like to think big, but are worried that you might fail — you’ll probably want to watch this video.


The Hazards of “Thinking Big”

Lots of people like to tell other people to “Think Big.”

And for some people, “Thinking Big” works.

But for others, “Thinking Big” the first step on the road to disappointment.

It’s time to change all that.

In this four-minute video you’ll discover:

  • Bill Kauth’s story about how his “Big Thinking” goals for the ManKind project came true,
  • Why “Thinking Big” works for some people but spectacularly FAILS for others,
  • How “Success = Vision + Persistence + Patience,” and
  • How being able to maintain your “vision” is the HARDEST (but least acknowledged) part of successfully “Thinking Big.”

“Thinking Big” IS important. But if you don’t understand the Hazards of Thinking Big,” you can get into a lot of trouble.

How to Run Carpet Work More Quickly, Lesson 2: Using a “Carpet Work Clock”

The video cannot be shown at the moment. Please try again later.

The single most important tool that I use for going faster on the carpet is the “carpet work clock.”

In this video I cover:

  • How to use a carpet work clock to focus the participants on doing their work,
  • How to actually USE the clock during facilitation, rather than just “having it up on the wall,”
  • How to keep the process moving to “keep up” with the clock,
  • The carpet work process “milestones,” and how to use the clock to make sure you hit those “milestones” on time, and
  • [bonus!] How I keep track of the DAY as a WHOLE in a way that keeps the entire experience on track and moving forward.

How to run carpet work more quickly Lesson 1

Whenever I’m involved in leading a carpet on a weekend, my carpet is always done first.

Lately, people have been asking me why that is.

What am I’m doing that makes me able to go faster than everyone else?

It turns out there are SPECIFIC THINGS you can do to run carpet work faster.

Now, for the first time ever, I’m sharing exactly what I do run quick, consistent work in a new series of free videos.

In this first video I cover:

  • Why going faster is important.
  • Why more skill and experience might NOT help you go faster.
  • How “momentum” can work FOR you or AGAINST you on the carpet.
  • My NUMBER ONE piece of advice for going faster on the carpet.
  • The importance of agreement on your facilitation team to going faster.
  • Who you really “sell out” if you don’t run quick processes.
  • The ONE OUTCOME I’m holding in mind when I facilitate quickly.

…And a preview of the next video in this series.

I hope you enjoy this video. Please let me know what you think in the comments.

The Problem with “Focus” Nobody Talks About

New video: Everybody talks about how important “focus” is, but there’s a show-stopping PROBLEM with focus that nobody ever talks about. Sidney Poitier faced it. Have you?

Why you shouldn’t try to hang on to your new insight or transformation


Hi. This is Dmitri Bilgere, and today I’d like to talk to you about the question:

How do you hang on to an insight or a transformation after you’ve had it?

There’s some surprising stuff here, because it’s counterintuitive. But this is a really, really important and useful point. So I hope you’ll spend a moment with me here and really get it.

Often when I run a workshop or work with someone, they’ll get some sort of transformation, and it’ll change things. It’ll change where they’re at, and they see things differently. And that’s great.

But then sometimes when I talk to them later, they’ll say, “Well, you know, I really tried to be in that new energy. I really tried to be in that insight with my family,” or “with my wife” or with whatever they’re up against. They’ll say, “I really tried to be in that, but it just didn’t seem to work. I just couldn’t seem to hang on to that new insight.”

Have you ever felt that way? Like you’re trying to hang on to some insight that you got, or some new energy you’re feeling?

Well, it’s really understandable that you’d do that. But the first thing to get about that is that trying to hang on to an insight or an energy doesn’t work because:

– it’s a static thing to do.
– It’s trying to hold on to something from the past.

And the problem with that is that life is a moving target.

What I mean by that is that life doesn’t hold still. You have relationships with people, but they’re new creations every time you interact with them. That person is really a new person. And if you don’t believe me, think about interacting with kids, or parenting. Every time you interact with your kids, they’re new. It’s a new creation all the time. It’s not yesterday’s them. It’s all-new, right now, today.

Life doesn’t work like, “There! I did a piece of emotional work. Now I have a great relationship with my spouse. Good thing I never have to think about it again.”

Life doesn’t work like, “There! Now I’ve done a piece of personal work and I figured out parenting. That’s done now.”

Life doesn’t work like, “I figured out being at peace.” Or, “I figured out being a generative businessman or businesswoman.” Or whatever it is.

Life is a moving target. So when you say, “I had this insight yesterday. I want to grab it and be in that thing right now,” you’re actually not looking at your life. You’re actually looking at your life the way it was when you had that insight. That is not going to work.

So here’s what I want to suggest that you do: Think of your insights not as destinations to get to and live at, but as stepping stones. Think of them as things to stand on as you look for, “What’s next for me?”

So if you do a piece of work on a difficult relationship and later you’re interacting with that person, don’t think, “How can I be in that insight?”

Instead think, “Okay, I’m standing on what I got from that insight.
– “What’s being shown to me in this relationship next?”
– “What am I seeing next?”
– “What am I being given next?”
– “What am I being called to next?”

You’re standing on this insight as a stepping stone and asking, “What’s next?”

We all want to have momentum in our lives, and have the things that we’re doing build and flow and go more and more. The way to do that isn’t to try to be where you were yesterday. It’s to be continuously renewed. And you’re continuously renewed when you seek what’s next.

I hope you will find this useful. And I hope you’ll stop trying to pursue or live out of your last insight, but live on it to find out what’s next.

3 Steps to Extend Grace to Others — and to Yourself


Hi. This is Dmitri Bilgere. I’d like to tell you a little story.

Years ago I was running workshops with a guy who sometimes drove me crazy.

He was about to lead a process, and I wanted to give him some coaching about how to run it, because I had lead that process for many years, and this was his first time doing it.

But as I was giving him feedback on it — “You might want to try this, you might want to try that” — he was stonewalling me. He was getting madder and madder at me. And, as it happened, I was getting madder and madder at him. Because, after all, I knew how to do this well. Here he was: he didn’t really know that much, it was his first time, and he could really use some coaching on it. But I backed off because he really didn’t want to listen.

So there I am, in the room with him while he’s running this. And I’m participating. And it’s a process about love and blessing, but here’s Dmitri: I’m getting madder and madder because he’s not doing it as well as it could be done. It’s good enough. But what’s really making me angry is he didn’t listen to me. I know about this, and he didn’t listening to me! Maybe you can relate to this kind of anger.

Now, I’m not a guy who wants to go through my life angry. And I knew I could have a fight with him about it afterwards and I would win, because I know a lot more about this than he did. I knew I could crush him.

But I also knew I wanted to extend grace to other people. I didn’t want to just crush him. I didn’t want to just “win.” I actually wanted to have a loving connection. I wanted the world to get better because of the light that I bring. You may relate to that, too.

So while this process was going on I started to say to myself, “Okay. How do I extend grace to him?”

I figured that a good place to start might be feeling what it feels like to be him. So let myself get my best sense of what it felt like to be him. Let’s see… He might be thinking, “I’m going in to lead this and I’ve never done it before. I’m scared, it seems like a lot.” I really tried to step away from my anger for a moment and really feel what was it like to be him in that situation.

And as I really felt into it, I made a discovery. “Wow,” I thought. “He really wants it to go well. And he didn’t want a whole lot of extraneous messages that would take him off the few things he knew that he could do. He didn’t listen to my great ideas because he really wanted it to go well.”

I started seeing how many things that annoyed me about this guy came from the fact that he really wanted things to go well. He really wanted things to go well. So much so, sometimes he could be over-controlling about it … but man, you couldn’t deny that he wanted things to go well.

I really saw his heart. I saw, “Wow. You know, my heart has a piece like that too. In fact, the part I have that’s like him is the part that wanted to tell him how to do the process in the first place. I really wanted to make him do better by giving him all my feedback so things would go well.”

I started feeling, “Wow, we’re really alike.” And I started opening to a sense of mercy for the part of me that really wants things to go well — and for that part of him. I really opening to love. I started to see that it’s so wonderful that I want things to go well, it’s so wonderful he wants that, too.

And then the process ended and we were on a break, and I talked to him. There had been some conflict-y energy between us before, so I knew I wanted to clear it up.

I went up to him and said, “Look, I really love about you how much you want things to go well. I really see it in you. You really want things to go well. I do too. And I really see that in you.” He was like, “Yeah, that is true about me. Thank you for seeing it.” And the whole conflict just evaporated.

I went through a specific process to get that to happen. I’m going to run through it for you now. Because people say to me and say things like, “I want to be more merciful to other people. I want to be more compassionate. I want to be more loving. Help me figure out how to do that in my head.” Or, “There’s this person who’s making me crazy and I want to extend grace–what, exactly, do I say to extend grace?” But it’s not a process up in your head. It’s a process in your heart.

So let’s talk about the heart-process that I went through, so you can do it on your own.

Step 1: Step one is to get your best sense of what it’s like to be that person, and to get your best sense of what that person wants. It’s when you get your best sense of what’s going on for them.

Key Question: What are they feeling, and what are they longing for?

My friend was actually feeling afraid that the process he was leading wasn’t going to go well, and he was longing for things to go well.

Step 2: Once I got in touch with that, there’s step two, which is find that part of yourself. Where is that part in me? It’s saying, “Yeah, I have a part like that. I have a part that really wants things to go well.”

Key Question: What part of me is like that? 

Step 3: So after you find that part of yourself, step three: Love that part of yourself.

Key Question: What’s my experience when I love that part of myself?

Now, a lot of times people want to skip this part. They say, “Maybe I can avoid loving that part of me but I can just go love it in the other person.”

But really, this is where the growth comes. This is how this person is a mirror for you — when you say, “Wow, that part is in me, and I’m going to love that part, and see the good in it, and see the beautiful intention in it, and see the heart of it.”

And as you fill up with love in that part of you, you’ll automatically start loving that part in them. Then, when it comes time to talk to them, you don’t have to go from a preplanned script of what you’re going to say — you can just speak, if it’s even necessary, from that love.

And as you speak from that love, or exist from that love, or live from that love, things are just going to get better.

So there it is, a very quick tip: How to extend grace to other people. I hope you’ll try this out. Let me know what you think, how it works for you, in the comments section of the blog.


The Calisthenics of Love


There are 3 parts to the experience Love, and 3 distinct skills of love to master. Find out where you are strong in Love, where you are weak, and the simple steps you can take to master all 3 parts of the experience of Love.

Transcript of the video:

Hi. This is Dmitri Bilgere, and I’d like to talk to you today about the three parts of the experience of love in your life. So much of the work that I do with people is about helping them connect with their experience of love, and I’ve found that when you understand these three parts, or phases, of the experience of love, it actually really helps you bring it into your life.

So what are these three parts?

The first part is: How does love come in to you? How do you receive it? 

So this is really the question I’m asking: When you open yourself to whatever you call it–your blessing current, the love of the universe, God’s love, the love that other people have for you, that the people in your life who love you have for you–when you open yourself up to that loving, blessing current, what is your experience of that like? Do you find that you’re really good at opening up to that and letting that come in and letting that maybe touch the parts of you that are having a difficult time, letting that buoy you up? Or is that more difficult for you to really allow blessing and love in?

This “in” part is the first of the three parts, and it’s important. So that’s my first question for you: How are you at letting that love in?

Second question: Once you take it in, how do you experience it? How do you hold that experience of love, or blessing, or goodness inside of yourself? How does it fill you up? If the act of letting it in is inspirational, how does it fill you up and make you know that you are loved and you have love? That you are blessed and you have blessing?

This is an important part. This is a lot where self-esteem and the ability to believe that you can do things lives. The belief comes from this sense of, “I’m filled up with love and I can dwell in it.”

I’d like to suggest you think of it as a suit of clothes you can step into. If it coming in is somebody giving you the clothes, the experiencing of it–how you hold it inside–is how you wear and put on that sense of blessing and that sense of love.

What’s that like for you? Are you strong in that? Or is that a place where you could use some practice?

 And then the third part is: How does it go out from you? When you’ve said, “Yes, I’m going to allow blessing and the blessing current and love into me,” and you’ve said, “Yes, I’m actually going to experience it inside myself. I’m going to let it fill me up and I’m going to have it,” then you have to ask, what is it like as it flows out into your world? How good are you at loving others? How good are you at blessing your life, both the way it is and having sort of that esteem to believe that, “Yes, I can step out into my plans. I can actually try new things. The love that comes into me and fills me up can flow out into the world.”

It’s a calisthenics you can practice

So as you evaluate yourself, you can ask, “Where am I strong?”

A lot of people I work with are really good at giving love to other people. They’re less good, however, at receiving it for themselves.

Or maybe they can receive it for themselves, but it doesn’t seem to stick with them. So they have an experience where they’re loved or an experience where they feel blessed, but it doesn’t hang around.

Or maybe they’re really good at feeling a lot of esteem for themselves, but they’re not so good at giving it to other people, or trying something new in their lives and believing that that something new can go well.

So I want to suggest to you that each of these is a discrete experience you can open yourself up to.

  • What’s it like when it comes in? How good are you at that?
  • What’s it like when you experience it and hold it? How good are you at that?
  • And what’s it like when it flows out?

If you’re only good at one part of this, see how it feels to go to the others. Very often I work with people who are good at loving, but not so good at receiving love, so I’ll say, “Great. This love is coming out of you. Imagine you’re loving someone you love or something you love. Feel how for that to happen you have to be filled up with love. And feel how for you to be filled up with love, that has to come into you from somewhere else. And you can get those links in the chain. Now feel how it feels to move from the loving out to the holding love inside for you. Feel how it moves from that to the sense of receiving it as it pours into you. And feel it coming back to you. And feel it going out.”

It’s almost like a calisthenics you can do to get better at the three parts of love. Because I want to see you being able to turn in the moment and receiving love and blessing from the people who love you, from the universe, from whatever higher power you believe in. I want to have you be able to really fill up with it and walk around in your life with this sense that you’re filled to the brim with love and blessing. And I want you to really be able to let that spill out into your life so you can give it to others, so you can create a better world for you and for the rest of us.

So let me know what you think in the comments. Ask any questions, give me your opinions. And this is Dmitri Bilgere, until next time, signing off.