In my workshops and coaching, people often ask me, “but why am I this way?”

• “Why am I shy with the people I’m attracted to?”
• “Why do I have a hard time feeling love and support?”
• “Why do I have difficulty making decisions?”
• “Why do I have a hard time setting boundaries with people?”

…And so on. It boils down to this question:

“Why do I have this repeating behavior pattern that I don’t like?”

Which, put even more simply, is really the question:

“What’s wrong with me?”

But “barking up the tree” of “why” is a waste of time.

We think that understanding the reason we behave the way we do will naturally lead to solutions for those troubling behaviors.

But usually it doesn’t.

In fact, pursuing “why” can even lock in the problem behavior. We end up using our reasons “why” we are like this as reasons we can’t change.

Let me put the “why” question to rest for you:

The reason you are the way you are — the reason you’ve taken on the behaviors, beliefs and limitations you’ve taken on — is because those behaviors were the best ways to navigate whatever difficulties you faced in your childhood.

We could do an emotional process to show you this, but we don’t need to. It is so.

You took on the behaviors you needed to take on, in order to make it through your childhood.

And it worked.

Those behaviors and beliefs may be out of date now. They may cause trouble, and may need to be updated.

But you don’t have to spend your time worrying about “why?”

You can stop asking, “Why do I do the things I do?”

You can stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?”

Because there’s nothing wrong with you. You may need to update old coping strategies… but there’s nothing wrong with you about that.

Transcription

Hi. This is Dmitri Bilgere, and today I’d like to talk to you about the question:

How do you hang on to an insight or a transformation after you’ve had it?

There’s some surprising stuff here, because it’s counterintuitive. But this is a really, really important and useful point. So I hope you’ll spend a moment with me here and really get it.

Often when I run a workshop or work with someone, they’ll get some sort of transformation, and it’ll change things. It’ll change where they’re at, and they see things differently. And that’s great.

But then sometimes when I talk to them later, they’ll say, “Well, you know, I really tried to be in that new energy. I really tried to be in that insight with my family,” or “with my wife” or with whatever they’re up against. They’ll say, “I really tried to be in that, but it just didn’t seem to work. I just couldn’t seem to hang on to that new insight.”

Have you ever felt that way? Like you’re trying to hang on to some insight that you got, or some new energy you’re feeling?

Well, it’s really understandable that you’d do that. But the first thing to get about that is that trying to hang on to an insight or an energy doesn’t work because:

– it’s a static thing to do.
– It’s trying to hold on to something from the past.

And the problem with that is that life is a moving target.

What I mean by that is that life doesn’t hold still. You have relationships with people, but they’re new creations every time you interact with them. That person is really a new person. And if you don’t believe me, think about interacting with kids, or parenting. Every time you interact with your kids, they’re new. It’s a new creation all the time. It’s not yesterday’s them. It’s all-new, right now, today.

Life doesn’t work like, “There! I did a piece of emotional work. Now I have a great relationship with my spouse. Good thing I never have to think about it again.”

Life doesn’t work like, “There! Now I’ve done a piece of personal work and I figured out parenting. That’s done now.”

Life doesn’t work like, “I figured out being at peace.” Or, “I figured out being a generative businessman or businesswoman.” Or whatever it is.

Life is a moving target. So when you say, “I had this insight yesterday. I want to grab it and be in that thing right now,” you’re actually not looking at your life. You’re actually looking at your life the way it was when you had that insight. That is not going to work.

So here’s what I want to suggest that you do: Think of your insights not as destinations to get to and live at, but as stepping stones. Think of them as things to stand on as you look for, “What’s next for me?”

So if you do a piece of work on a difficult relationship and later you’re interacting with that person, don’t think, “How can I be in that insight?”

Instead think, “Okay, I’m standing on what I got from that insight.
– “What’s being shown to me in this relationship next?”
– “What am I seeing next?”
– “What am I being given next?”
– “What am I being called to next?”

You’re standing on this insight as a stepping stone and asking, “What’s next?”

We all want to have momentum in our lives, and have the things that we’re doing build and flow and go more and more. The way to do that isn’t to try to be where you were yesterday. It’s to be continuously renewed. And you’re continuously renewed when you seek what’s next.

I hope you will find this useful. And I hope you’ll stop trying to pursue or live out of your last insight, but live on it to find out what’s next.

Transcription

Hi. This is Dmitri Bilgere. I’d like to tell you a little story.

Years ago I was running workshops with a guy who sometimes drove me crazy.

He was about to lead a process, and I wanted to give him some coaching about how to run it, because I had lead that process for many years, and this was his first time doing it.

But as I was giving him feedback on it — “You might want to try this, you might want to try that” — he was stonewalling me. He was getting madder and madder at me. And, as it happened, I was getting madder and madder at him. Because, after all, I knew how to do this well. Here he was: he didn’t really know that much, it was his first time, and he could really use some coaching on it. But I backed off because he really didn’t want to listen.

So there I am, in the room with him while he’s running this. And I’m participating. And it’s a process about love and blessing, but here’s Dmitri: I’m getting madder and madder because he’s not doing it as well as it could be done. It’s good enough. But what’s really making me angry is he didn’t listen to me. I know about this, and he didn’t listening to me! Maybe you can relate to this kind of anger.

Now, I’m not a guy who wants to go through my life angry. And I knew I could have a fight with him about it afterwards and I would win, because I know a lot more about this than he did. I knew I could crush him.

But I also knew I wanted to extend grace to other people. I didn’t want to just crush him. I didn’t want to just “win.” I actually wanted to have a loving connection. I wanted the world to get better because of the light that I bring. You may relate to that, too.

So while this process was going on I started to say to myself, “Okay. How do I extend grace to him?”

I figured that a good place to start might be feeling what it feels like to be him. So let myself get my best sense of what it felt like to be him. Let’s see… He might be thinking, “I’m going in to lead this and I’ve never done it before. I’m scared, it seems like a lot.” I really tried to step away from my anger for a moment and really feel what was it like to be him in that situation.

And as I really felt into it, I made a discovery. “Wow,” I thought. “He really wants it to go well. And he didn’t want a whole lot of extraneous messages that would take him off the few things he knew that he could do. He didn’t listen to my great ideas because he really wanted it to go well.”

I started seeing how many things that annoyed me about this guy came from the fact that he really wanted things to go well. He really wanted things to go well. So much so, sometimes he could be over-controlling about it … but man, you couldn’t deny that he wanted things to go well.

I really saw his heart. I saw, “Wow. You know, my heart has a piece like that too. In fact, the part I have that’s like him is the part that wanted to tell him how to do the process in the first place. I really wanted to make him do better by giving him all my feedback so things would go well.”

I started feeling, “Wow, we’re really alike.” And I started opening to a sense of mercy for the part of me that really wants things to go well — and for that part of him. I really opening to love. I started to see that it’s so wonderful that I want things to go well, it’s so wonderful he wants that, too.

And then the process ended and we were on a break, and I talked to him. There had been some conflict-y energy between us before, so I knew I wanted to clear it up.

I went up to him and said, “Look, I really love about you how much you want things to go well. I really see it in you. You really want things to go well. I do too. And I really see that in you.” He was like, “Yeah, that is true about me. Thank you for seeing it.” And the whole conflict just evaporated.

I went through a specific process to get that to happen. I’m going to run through it for you now. Because people say to me and say things like, “I want to be more merciful to other people. I want to be more compassionate. I want to be more loving. Help me figure out how to do that in my head.” Or, “There’s this person who’s making me crazy and I want to extend grace–what, exactly, do I say to extend grace?” But it’s not a process up in your head. It’s a process in your heart.

So let’s talk about the heart-process that I went through, so you can do it on your own.

Step 1: Step one is to get your best sense of what it’s like to be that person, and to get your best sense of what that person wants. It’s when you get your best sense of what’s going on for them.

Key Question: What are they feeling, and what are they longing for?

My friend was actually feeling afraid that the process he was leading wasn’t going to go well, and he was longing for things to go well.

Step 2: Once I got in touch with that, there’s step two, which is find that part of yourself. Where is that part in me? It’s saying, “Yeah, I have a part like that. I have a part that really wants things to go well.”

Key Question: What part of me is like that? 

Step 3: So after you find that part of yourself, step three: Love that part of yourself.

Key Question: What’s my experience when I love that part of myself?

Now, a lot of times people want to skip this part. They say, “Maybe I can avoid loving that part of me but I can just go love it in the other person.”

But really, this is where the growth comes. This is how this person is a mirror for you — when you say, “Wow, that part is in me, and I’m going to love that part, and see the good in it, and see the beautiful intention in it, and see the heart of it.”

And as you fill up with love in that part of you, you’ll automatically start loving that part in them. Then, when it comes time to talk to them, you don’t have to go from a preplanned script of what you’re going to say — you can just speak, if it’s even necessary, from that love.

And as you speak from that love, or exist from that love, or live from that love, things are just going to get better.

So there it is, a very quick tip: How to extend grace to other people. I hope you’ll try this out. Let me know what you think, how it works for you, in the comments section of the blog.

In the wake of Steve Jobs dying, much has been made of his advice about how to live life well. In this 3-minute-32-second video, I talk about one of his quotes, the problems with trying to live each day as if it was your last, and of Jobs’ unique solution to the problem.

If you’d like to be updated when I post new articles and videos, sign up in the sidebar to the right.

I’m excited about today’s newsletter because it has the potential to really save you from a lot of unnecessary pain from harsh self-judgments and self-criticism.

If you’re reading this website, you most likely agree that “working on yourself” is important. You probably rely on doing “personal work” to heal old wounds, to get through tough times, and to move toward your goals.

I’m writing this today because I’ve seen a consistent problem in the way most people “work on themselves” that causes a lot of unnecessary pain.

This problem knocks the healing process off the straight path and will lead you ’round and ’round in circles instead.
Click here to read the rest of this entry

I know I’m in the middle of writing a series about compassion, but I got inspired to write this first, so I’m sharing it with you today.

A coaching client recently told me this:

“I know a woman who wants to get married and have babies, so she’s set up a nursery in her house, and spends time sitting in it reading baby books, as if she is reading to an actual baby.

“I asked her about it, and she said that it’s important to create the space for what you want to attract in your life. She said it’s important to really believe in it, and to live as if it’s already in your life, which is what she is doing. But it sounds crazy to me — she’s not out meeting potential husbands, she’s sitting at home reading baby books! What’s up with this?”

I had to admit, she really was visualizing the outcome she wanted. She really was living as if her outcome was true, and had already happened. She had aligned her mind to “attraction,” by making the space for what she wanted in her life.

But the fact is, I (and my client) both found her behavior sort of creepy.

Click here to read the rest of this entry