This is a video of me and Fawn! We’re getting married August 2nd, 2008. I was really touched by how many people sent emails congratulating us, wanting to be kept “in the loop” for new developments in the work I’m doing, and who sent relationship advice for us soon-to-be newlyweds. I’m gonna share the advice I’ve gotten so far in a moment, but I also want to extend this invitation. Please add your comment below answering the question:
What ONE PIECE OF ADVICE would you give me and Fawn about relationships?
Here’s the advice I’ve been emailed so far:
- “Marriage is like a prostate exam, a Super Bowl party and the Eucharist all at the same time.”
- “Scott Peck said there are two reasons to get married; one is to have children and the second is for the friction.”
- “Enjoy the ride, savour every moment.”
- “Remember, planning a wedding can case a divorce before you get married. ( joke… but contains a lot of truth)”
- “Yes, it is a time consuming adventure to integrate two lives, AND the richness and potential goes up exponentially!”
- “May I say it does limit who you play with from now on (in my opinion). Hence the saying, marry your best friend.”
- “After 23 years, we keep growing closer and connected, our love still shines.”
- “As a meaningful gift to you two I would like to suggest the best information on growning a close relationship: ‘The Relationship Cure’ by John Gottman and Joan Declaire http://www.gottman.com/marriage/. And their DVD has been the best investment for me on this subject.”
- “In the Latin. Ad multos annos: to many years!”
- “The only thing more important than a marriage is a birth! Oh yeah, death is pretty important event too!”
- “I find I still have much work to do and in marriage many more opportunities to do my work. The art of forgiveness is a big plus. Knowing ‘this too shall pass’ is great lesson. Remembering the love I have known for the woman I can not understand in the moment holds me present when I want to abandon. Finding the gold in the buttons she pushes, triggers in me about what I wanted in relationship. Recognizing so little else matters if I cannot hold love and respect for myself and the woman I know I love even when the reasons to love are not currently obvious. My Blessings to you. Welcome to the Hero’s Journey.”
- “If you think life is busy now….wait till you have a kid or two…”
- “Congratulations!! If you think the wedding and marriage are big- JUST WAIT TIL THE CHILDREN ARRIVE! (if you’re going there.)”
- – “Yes, indeed, it really is very time consuming, and it really does take a shocking amount of time and energy! Just remember to stop and breathe every so often, especially when the two of you start feeling too stressed. It really is a wonderful time. Be sure to enjoy it, and don’t forget to have fun on your special day!”
- – “Just don’t let her go to the Woman Within workshop or she’ll learn all your tricks!
“
What advice do you have to add? I really am interested… Please add a comment below! Thanks!
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About Dmitri
Marriage is like a tornado: They both start with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house. More seriously, “Bless her (him); change me.”
Both of you MUST stay open to the other in order to get through the hard times. The
openness and staying in touch with your own self-love may be more import than professing to love the other.
Sex is the dessert of communication!
Congratulations!!! What a remarkable moment for you two. A successful marriage has one key secret: Make each the other person’s happiness your priority. Do that and you’ll be on the same page with the same intention. I’m not saying everything else will “take care of itself” but this is the start to loving each other.
Never go to sleep angry!
1st of all Congratulations. I got married for the 1st time when I was 41 yrs old. I met him at my 20-yr high school reunion and we dated long-distance for 1 year and then lived together for 2 years before getting married. Now we’re divorced. What I learned is that communication is everything. If you have any communication issues now, they will get worse after crossing the threshhold. There is actually a Threshhold Theory in psychology and it’s so true. Also, all of the little annoyances that I considered endearing at first turned out to be huge annoyances once the romance wore off. But you’re a wise man and I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.
At some point in your marriage it will be good to remind yourselves of the wonderful things you saw in each other and why you fell in love.
First of all, Dawn has fantastically expressive eyes! as far as advice, never EVER forget why you chose to get married, why you love the person you married, never disrespect them, try to honor the beauty of their soul and allow it to shine!
Blessings to you both, Pia
I agree with th above idea “Remembering the love I have known for the woman I can not understand in the moment holds me present when I want to abandon.” But also the love I have known FROM this woman holds be as well. I do not feel alone in that love. I grew up and spent so much of my life feeling alone and not fully loved that I is worth about anything to stay.
However the really important part has been to find a realy good couple therapist to help us throughn particularly tough spots. I have been married 20 yrs and have been in marital therapy 3 times. Each time was a wonderful learning and growing experience. I would go back in a fast second if we got stuck again at some future date. We are committed to remain together as a loving and supportive couple and Marital/couples therapy is like an insurance policy that it will remain as we wish.
well, here you go. The womans job is to build beauty in all of who she is. the mans job is to be present, build trust, anddo whatever it takes to support his beauty (woman) as you know with all the work you have done working with men and their issues with they’re women. The world of the woman is totally for them. I was told by a man whose spends alot of time working with relationships. The woman always does the choosing in relationships, she holds the power. If she trusts you and gets nutured to match her dreams. You will have a magical relationship—and don’t forget your mission (you don’t want to get lost, do you) blessed be, Larry (cms)
P.S. In my life with women, I wasn’t able to build the trust–God says I’m still not ready
This sounds simple but it’s not so easy to do (speaking from 35 years of married experience): Be prepared to COMPROMISE when you can, and agree to gracefully disagree when you cant. And, oh yeah, to both of you: YOUR NOT ALWAYS RIGHT! LOL. Good luck and enjoy the ride!
Dear Dmitri,
Congratulations! As someone who’s been married to the same person for 32 years, I say: welcome to the work. A good relationship is the hardest work you’ll ever do. And it’s work all the time, even when you’re playing. I always say, “marriage is the crucible in which you surely die.” – in a good way!
Blessings on the two of you. Fawn, you seem a rare gem. Dmitri, I’ll always consider you a part of my story after Inner Sovereign last year. I’m grateful for you and delighted you’re taking this step. Joy to you both!
My advice is to follow The Golden Rule and to be true to yourselves. To be clear: Love your partner as you would have your partner love you; deal with your partner (and with yourself!) compassionately while being true to yourself. With love and Congratulation! -DB
Each of you… grow, by further becoming who YOU really are, and enjoy the overlap.
As irritating as it is I have found that if I am triggered by something “she” did it’s about me at some level, otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten triggered.
I also like the definition of intimacy as in-to-me-see. It requires courage to be vulnerable to being seen and forgiveness and acceptance when we see something we may not like (like them holding up the mirror so I can see deeper into me). It also requires discipline to remaining steadfast in the belief that what I don’t like seeing is about me and not about my partner. Even in those times when having someone else to “blame” would be so much easier that dealing with my own stuff.
Some quotes from my collection:
“Seldom, or perhaps never, does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly and without crises; there is no coming to consciousness without pain.”
— Carl Gustav Jung
“Marriages are made in heaven but have to be maintained on earth.” unknown
“A successful marriage isn’t finding the right person, it’s being the right person.” Unknown
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing
There is a field
I will meet you there
When the soul lies down in that grass
The world is too full to talk about.
– Rumi
Dimitri,
It’s Fawn and I……!
XXXX
Willie and Shauna
May you each remeber what drew you to each other and pause to celebrate your love each and every day. Continually co-create a culture of appreciation.
The truth behind a warrior clearing is a good place to start. Take ownership of your feelings and judgments, as I am sure you do. Look for ways to help, bless and appreciate each other every day. Seek to understand then be understood.
When you have silly repeated conflicts, look at them from different angles. It took me about five years and a dozen puzzling head-shakers to realize that when we were on the road together and my wife asked “Are you hungry?”, what she really meant was “I am hungry.”
Whether it was a function of sexual roles (Women seek consensus.) or cultures (Her mom was a real Southern lady whose dying words will be “Don’t worry about me, I’m just fine.”) or her personality, she would seldom directly express a need — she would ask me if I had that same need, and then be unset later when I didn’t respond to the need I hadn’t heard!
Being aware of that, and asking her to be direct, has made our trips together much easier.
That’s “upset” — not “unset.”
I Wish You ALL THE BEST….
And I’d love to offer you some advice. Please take note that this comes on the heels of me leaving a 15 year relationship – and a man I still loved…. simply because I hadn’t been happy in years and I couldn’t, despite my very best efforts, find my way back to what I thought we once shared.
The reason for the unhappiness was tri-fold and through these lessons I offer you this advice:
1) To maintain an element of happiness your intimate life needs to have lots of attention. Physical affection – in big and little ways – is so important. Without that element…. what makes you SO different from your closest FRIEND of the opposite sex? So hug each other. Kiss each other. Take time for holding hands. Go to bed early and surrender to your passions.
2) Build your friendship. DO things together. SHARE your interests and hobbies. This doesn’t mean that can’t have your own things, friends, interests… but share them. Invite your love to see the world through your eyes. And, when times get tough it is through your friendship that you will reconnect. It is sometimes hard to bridge the gaps of hurt feelings, pregnant pauses, and uncomfortable hours that can turn into days. Being able to go out together and DO something you both enjoy can be the easiest path toward reconnecting.
3) Make that other person a high priority in your life. Always. There are moments when they will be #1. And there are moments that your aging parents, or children, or career, or dear friends require most of your attention. But…. don’t let that #1 position be held too long by someone or something other than the love of your life. How do you show that they are #1…?? Take their phone calls even in the middle of a busy day. Bring home flowers (boys like them too!). Cook their favorite food. Leave cards on their pillow. Kidnap then for surprise weekends away. Call just to say you miss them. Always greet each other with an enthusiastic “HI!” and a big hug and kiss. and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS give the benefit of the doubt to your mate. Know, deep within yourself, that your love doesn’t mean to hurt you, slight you, ignore you, run over you…. they are simply doing the best they can in that moment. So believe them. Love them. Remember in 3 months, 3 years or 30 years… whatever it is that seems more important than them at this moment will be long gone. And your commitment to each other will still be there. Value it. Protect it. Treat it like the precious gem it is.
Keep loving yourselves.
That’s it. And congrats!
Willie Baronet
ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS BE ON TIME FOR EVERYTHING! 😉
“Never buy anything that will annoy your wife every day”.
That’s quick version. The deeper truth is that you must let wounds heal, and any reminder that keeps a wound open is a Bad Thing.
Example 1: I saw a piece of artwork that I liked, but my wife actively disliked. No sale. I don’t want her irritated every day.
Example 2: through what really was stupidity / laziness, my wife damaged a nice teapot, so that it would dribble water whenever used. I threw it away rather than be reminded of my irritation at her over this every day.
Dmitri and Fawn! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! As a man who has been married for almost twelve years, the one piece of advice that I would pass on is this-always find time to communicate-verbally, nonverbally, etc. Communication is so very, very important!
Take Care,
Jon
Congrats! Good grief, only one thing? Here are several: True love is an opportunity to love a flawed person, both the other and yourself. Give your partner what he or she wants, rather than what you want. When in conflict, don’t defend; instead, repeat what you heard and ask if there’s more. Be two powerful individuals standing next to each other. Don’t sacrifice who you are. See and treat your partner as the wonderful person you would like them to be… I hope this helps. Blessings to you!
Say yes to love every day. Choose each other every day. Surrender to each other every day.
[1] Plan fun as if it were an insulin treatment to a diabetic.
[2] Attend a mkp new warrior training (for him) and a HER weekend (herwekend.org) (for her).
You have to “want” to be married more than anything else. There will be times when it seems easier to go somewhere else, but the truth is you’ll have to deal with that stuff eventually anyway, so it is a lot quicker to stick it out and deal with it now — when it comes up — rather than avoiding it and hoping it goes away. (It doesn’t ever go away until you deal with it completely!)
In an argument when you discover that you are right, apologize immediately.
My advice is to have a freaking blast in this life!!!! Do it when you’re together and when you’re apart. Fight fair, fight fun. Love big! Keep whatever brought you together alive. After all these years of not being married, you have chosen to take this leap of faith. There is some wisdom in that faith. Keep connected to whatever that wisdon is.
Be blessed in the journey, where ever it takes you both.
Peace,
Dave
I enthusiastically second everything christi says above as the biggest priorities one could have.
When intellect and analysis and being right seem awful important, stand all the way back and breath big and low, put a smile on your face and remember you are really a dog and wag your tail.
Its all a bit silly when we get all self important. Take a holiday and look for the funny lining. It is always there.
Yippee for both of you! I’m dancing and hi and hopeful for me cause of you guys. Thank you for sharing!
Don’t try to change the other person. The joke of relationships is; hi, I love you , now change. Acceptance of yourself and your mate is primary. Also see your mate and yourself as whole an complete just as you are no matter what. Hold the place of nothing is wrong it just is. Be grateful for all of it. Finally have tons of SEX!!!!
No withholding, or secrets from each other.Tell the truth and feel the fellings. Just love each other. Do your work. Best wishes to you both.
With love and community
Art
Always, always remember to find time to consistantly laugh out loud, play and have fun with one another.
I am delighted for Fawn and you and think this will be a time of massive growth for both of you.
The advice here is very good – everyone is so smart! What can I add?
When you are the most angry, the most sad, the most upset, remember your partner. Even if you feel they caused it. Think about them and think that everything you accuse them of, you can also apply to yourself. This will make you INSANE but it is the truth.
You can’t do it alone: one person cannot do the work for the couple and this is the problem I’ve found with my failing marriage. You have to want to pull toegther, to listen to each other and to HEAR each other. Easy to say and HARD TO DO.
You can’t understand everything about your spouse. You can love them, though. I read this quote somewhere. I thought it was Shakespeare but now cannot find it! Anyway, it goes” “I love her despite her faults, nay I love her for them.” So love each other FOR the stuff you don’t like about each other.
And remember too YOUR PARTNER IS NOT YOU. Most arguments are over the fact that the other person won’t do what the OTHER person wants them to do! How dumb is that? Be aware of the power struggles in your relationship.
Also, whew, one last thing: don’t be afraid to say I MISS YOU, I LOVE YOU, I WANT YOU HOME WITH ME. Even if, with my soon to be ex husband, he was out all the time drinking, I should have said that more. I thought he wanted to be out partying. Maybe he didn’t! So I screwed up trying to give him what he wanted… or what I thought he wanted!
ENOUGH!
Congratulations!
Congratulations. I cannot overstate communicating dude. Keep those channels open!
Never (that’s NEVER) facilitate someone you love! Just listen and love.
Good luck!
Andrew
Congratulations to you both on picking such fine partners to marry!
Dmitri, your grammar is correct!
Advice: Forgive yourself and your partner every day>
Honor your spouse’s emotions, whether they make sense to you or not. Honor your own emotions, whether they make sense to you or not, and take responsibility for them. Love and blessings to you, Dimitri, and to you, Fawn, Guthrie
Dear Fawn and Dmitri,
Like my uncle used to say ” I love being married “BUT” PLEASE DON’T GET MARRIED”
Here is some marriage advice from a humble student
(31Yrs with the same beautiful woman)
Celebrate your differences instead of trying to change each other.
Love and accept each other unconditionally. Especially your annoying habits.
Do fun things regularly like going on walks, watch movies, go to nice restaurants, play games etc.
Find common interests or hobbies that you can both enjoy.
Have great sex while you still can
Be patient with each other. Perfection is an illussion.
My blessings go to both of you,
Ben Liberman
I was struck by Fawn’s expressive eyes and see the love energy you have now. There is so much good advice already! I copied and pasted it into a document that I’ll share with my wife. Hopefully!
Keep the lines of communication open every day. Don’t go to sleep with unresolved issues. Remember, be here now. Keep the passion alive. I’m sure you’ll stay connected because you value that highly.
Enjoy and God bless,
Peter
NO EXPECTATIONS! Marriage will not meet your expectations. You will not meet each other’s expectations. Your friends’ reactions will not meet your expectations. If you are able let go of all your expectations and go with the flow, your relationship will have the fresh water, rich earth, and Light it needs to grow into its most wonderful possibilities.
You have done something very great with your life to have this many loving and articulate friends; this blog looks like a great book just waiting to be written.
CONGRATULATIONS! Have a long, healthy, and joyous life together!
You will get angry with eachother, but you must not blame, shame, or call names. Failure to empathize is the most common destroyer of a marriage. Please listen to eachother’s point of view, even if you disagree. Take time each day to share your feelings. Each uncomfortable moment is your personal chance to grow!
Communicate what you want and need, and listen to what your spouse wants and needs. If you don’t put it out there, you ain’t likely to get it.
Start couples therapy now. Why wait? You know that no matter how much in love you are that you each bring your own baggage and sometimes you just need a baggage handler to help you sort through it. Better to shop while the bloom is on the rose than wait til your bags are lost on a transatlantic flight and you don’t have your hotel confirmation number. OK, so maybe I am pushing the analogy but I think you get the idea.
Blessings on your union – Orion
Welcome to where two rivers become one. In the eternal stream of life as you find the stillness within there is a place where two rivers meet in everlasting love. You and your partner are that love. As a warrior brother and Sedona Method man I can only say. Be the presence of awarness that you are and always have been. Look deeply into your partners eyes and see your reflection come back as you rest as one river.
Love and Blessings to your journey.
I echo what Becky said along with all that forgiveness stuff and refuse to hold a grudge.
Love and accept unconditionally – warts, farts and all.
Open, honest, respectful, and frequent communication.
Be prepared for “inconceivables”. Some of my deceased wife’s actions, beliefs, and thoughts pushed my buttons big time – and vice-versa. Talking about feelings (when this happened, I felt) revealed family \ cultuaral \ reglious life experiences of one partner opposite to or totally inconveibable to the other partner. Neither is wrong or bad, it just is.
Commitment to monogomy, mutual respect, treating each other with the common decency you would treat a stranger.
Leave all anger, arguements, resentments, etc. outside the bedroom door (you might sleep in seperate rooms for a few nights to protect your sacred love space)
Be connected at the core, and trust each other to do their thing.
Best friends can and do overcome anything.
Live well, love much, and laugh often.
Seeing y’all together makes me happy — you look great together!
And sure, I got several good principles I work with.
* After God, “we” comes first, then her, then me. The focus of my leadership is her well-being, not getting my way.
* I didn’t marry her so she could think like a man, or keep the house the way I want, or agree with my political views. I married her so I could enjoy her being sweet.
* Decisiveness is good — all the things I was trying to learn to be when I was dating around, still apply.
* She is more important than whatever I’m doing when she interrupted me.
* Forget 50%-50%; that’s how businesses *and* marriages break up (so I hear). 100%-100% is better. Even beyond that: 100%-0%. When she’s capable of giving me nothing, I still (strive to) give her 100%.
* It’s stupid to get griped because she isn’t doing something I never asked her to do!
* By giving her 100%, by not having an unspoken amendment to my marriage vow (“to have and to hold, for as long as I’m enjoying myself, because if not I’m outta here”), I have the opportunity to form a brand new thing, not a mere living arrangement and agreement to spend some time together, but a new creature, her-and-me. That’s what I want.
As a speaker giving the “100%-0%” rule said, the key is…adult diapers. If you wouldn’t take care of her if she were in an accident and had to be in adult diapers for the rest of her life, he said, don’t marry her.
* I still need guy time.
* I reassure my inner child: there’s enough of me for both him and my wife.
* Yes, communication matters, but not saying hurtful things matters too. When I can’t say something without being blaming, I put off commenting until I have a chance to process it, or spin it differently, if I can. Sometimes this means working it out in I-group; sometimes it just requires thinking about it in a new way. …but she should know everything about me — just not necessarily in the moment.
* Spin matters. “I love it when you ___” is way better than “I hate it when you don’t.”
* This is more about what I observe in others, but…when I hear of a marriage in trouble (not counting adultery or addiction problems), there’s always a major component of him being afraid to take charge, speak his mind, and be present. When A’s wife criticized him, he took it, until he couldn’t take it any more, then he split. When B’s wife wanted to control his time, he could find no middle ground between “whatever you say” and “I’m outta here,” so he split. Etc. But when C’s wife demanded control over his professional life, he just said, “no.” She exploded; she blamed; she told him it was over. Then she went away with him for a weekend of passion.
* These things are worth a lot more than they cost! Flowers. Love notes I wrote myself. Lingerie. Lighting up when she comes in the room. After all, I love the feeling I get when *she* lights up at seeing me!
* Every 24 hours, there has to be something sexy happening, even if only a nuzzle!
…and so much more I got from *you*, brother. You’re going to have a great adventure!
Congratulations to you both. I have lots of thoughts but since you asked for just one idea, I will have to do a huge run-on idea.
I have come to believe that men and women couples may find it helpful to understand a basic difference between men and women that often dramatically affects the relationship quality.
In the most simple model, my perspective is that men are socialized to always be proving our manliness – which has numerous negative consequences – not the least of which is the powerful message that the emotions, except anger, are not manly. Thus we men are often raised to be emotionally atrophied, that is, have a low E.Q. (Emotional Quotient). As a consequence, we are not good at feeling our own emotions, reading others emotions, nor speaking or understanding the language of a rich emotional life.
Most women, on the other hand, do have a rich (i.e., normal and healthy) emotionality, but are burdened with a socialized subservient and passive role expectation. In marriage, an example of this is when the women complains a little, men don’t hear them. If the woman ups the pressure a bit, then men argue – and win, because we are well practiced at competing. Or, the man becomes angry and terminates the communication.
Eventually, the woman gives up trying to communicate which he takes as a sign that everything is ok. Then, when her bag of unresolved and unspoken grievances bursts, she, to his surprise, leaves.
So, Dmitri – what to do? Build your emotionality back, learn and follow her advice in emotional issues, and do everything possible to encourage her power and her voice. You could start by having Fawn tell us about herself for half the video.
Watching Fawn I now understand the term “fawning” in the best sense of “to exhibit affection.” Your are a lucky couple but from now on I would wish for you to be a skilled, committed, and loving couple.
With affection,
Roger
Hi Dimitri,
Try Eckhard Tolle “the power of now” or “A New Earth”. Watch out for the others pain body.
My husband and I have always regarded The Relationship as a seperate, more important entity than either of ourselves individually — something that we created with our love and have made a committment to honor and nurture. We let that perspective guide us as much as possible in thought and action, in good times and bad. With the birth of our children we applied the same principle to The Family. It helps us make more clear and generous choices.
Congrats you two!!
A piece of advice that was given to me years ago by a wise old friend, is “when you are in love with someone, it does not matter who’s right”.
And it’s still the single thing that gets me in the most trouble!
Blessings,
Tom
33 yrs ago my dad gave unsolicited advice: “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
My advice: “simply love her”.
Learn how to argue effectively.
Do not displease yourself in the process of pleasing each other.
Look within at an all-new level to love your own shadow. When the “honey moon” is over and hag inevitably arises, it’s about taking responsibilty your own healing and not expecting it to come from her. Johnson’s “Lying with the Heavenly Woman” does a marvelous job differentiating these feminine aspects — don’t confuse them, honor her for what she is (and isn’t) and you’ll likely have a great lifelong asset and a ton of fun in marriage.
My own hard lesson is what I will share: Be sure you are marrying the real person and not the projected wishes you have placed on that person that they will never fulfill. Withdraw your projections from your intended spouse BEFORE you get married. Being in love with the real person is the most wonderful thing in the world!
Blessings to both of you. What stands as one piece of advice that helps me in all of my relationships is acceptance. I know this is about me and my needs and I know how universal some simple things are in life. To feel totally accepted and to totally accept another is a magical place to reside.
Peace,
Brian
Congratulations on taking the leap! Know that you are held.
My advice… Be kind to each other.
Blessings, Nicole
Acknowledge, from the start, that you will experience crisis now and again. Agree ahead of time on a safe “place” to reconnect to get back to love.
DO go to bed angry sometimes, if it means you’ll have a clearer head in the morning. A night of rest brings perspective. Nothing gets accomplished at 3am, when you’re half asleep and can’t even remember what you’re fighting about but you’re stubbornly mad anyway.
Read poetry, together. A good poet knows how to say what can’t be put into words. This is the stuff real lives and real relationship is made of.
Some Kiss We Want
There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of
spirit on the body. Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling! At
night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its
face against mine. Breathe into
me. Close the language-door and
open the love-window. The moon
won’t use the door, only the window.
– – Rumi
May the love in your hearts give you joy. May the greatness of life bring you peace. And may your days be good and your lives be long upon the earth. May you greet each other with kiss now and in the days to come. Cogradulations and Blessings Edju !
Strive to accept as is, what you do not love in one another and celebrate what you do love in each other. Change your responses, not your partner and your marraige will deepen and last.
I asked my wife your question and the answer was one word
Comprimise
My suggestion:
never leave home or come home without taking time for a hug and a kiss
Never fail to take the risk of peeling back the layers of one’s defenses to know oneself and to be known more deeply and profoundly. This, I believe, is the unending adventure of union and intimacy – the developing of trust through risk. And I think that if the bond holds it’s how we cut through our humanity to see the sublime, the transcendent in each other. That’s the one thing.
Another is: always be generating appreciation of each other.
Thank you for the opportunity to contribute. What a wonderful site. I’ll be back.
Many blessings
Jim
Marriage is like a precious container that holds the two of you inside. It can be a shelter for you when life gets difficult, and the special kind of sweetness you experience there makes life more joyful and strengthens both of you so that you can become the people you are meant to be. But in order for that to happen, you have to consistently protect and honor the space that belongs to just the two of you. You can and should have deep and loving friendships with other people, but being married means that your primary relationship is with your spouse and your actions need to reflect that. For me, that has meant choosing not to criticize or complain about my partner to other people and deciding to build him up and encourage him, even when other options might momentarily seem more tempting.
Also, I’ve found that many bad situations can be instantly defused if you’re willing to laugh at yourself and to accept that it’s probably good for you to not always get your own way.
Congratulations, Dmitri and Fawn!!
A loving relationship is a wonderful opportunity to further develop the art of appreciation. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have some good ideas on this in their books.
Advice: Each of you get an appreciation journal for receiving appreciations. Keep it visible and available for the other to write in as the urge arises. This works great with kids, too….
Best wishes!!
Dave
Congrats to you both, may you have health, happiness and many years together.
My advice would be to enjoy each other and keep working on the relationship, allways and forever.
All the best for the big day and after,
Chris……….
All these are excellent! I’m really moved by this great advice…
After 29 years in this relationship, I’m a little unsure of what to offer neophytes. I guess I’d suggest always remember to let each other know how much you delight in each other’s company. Yeah,10, 20, 30 years later. Find what your partner enjoys and be sure to provide that regularly (e.g. backside pats?) Love voraciously! My love and exultation to both of you. Roy U
Congratulations and Best Wishes to you, Dimitri and Fawn!
Remember to spend some extended time gazing into each other’s eyes in support of what one or the other or each of you is going through (happy, tough, wonderful, sad)….especially if times get tough. The love flowing is so supportive to dissolving that which can get in the way of the love that you both are.
Happy Happy Days ahead
All love, grace, and bliss to you both,
Laura Streicher (IST 2007)
Thoroughly anchor your romantic love feelings, now; remain rigorously authentic (head, heart, actions aligned); daily share your appreciations for each other; do not bring anger into bed; and do not lose sight of why you agreed to marry when conflict arises.
My wife Judy and I will celebrate 38 years next month. We have worked on many levels, many times and continue to work on our relationship. She had a nasty time with cancer last year and perhaps the one thing that we relearned and used when we dealt with each new “curve ball” sent our way was – to LISTEN, not just to hear your partner’s voice, but to truly hear with your ears, your eyes and your heart. I believe that if you don’t listen then further communication won’t help. All the best to you both.
Love is all about vulnerability. (We grow when we are vulnerable.)
Marriage is all about commitment. (“Do you…? I do.”)
When done “right”, the commitment of the marriage relationship fosters the growth of love by protecting its vulnerability.
My advice… Negotiate and fiercely enforce the commitments to protect each other. This takes both courage and work.
P.S. Should you have children, this love is NOT defined by a contract. It’s a covenant – unilateral and without an expiration date.
Mutual respect may sound obvious but it is not always easy and it is definitely not trivial. To me, respect includes accepting my wife exactly as she is (it’s why I love her) and not trying to change her to meet my expectations. It also includes honoring her opinion, even when we disagree (acceptance does not require approval); it is possible to share a wonderful and joyous life in spite of differences of opinion. Finally, it includes remembering that what she does does not change who she is; I love who she is even when I am angry about what she does. I can’t stay angry long whe I remember this. (Based on 45+ years of marriage to the same person, each year getting more joyful.)
To quote Lennon & McCartney, “Let it be.”
I’ve grown to appreciate that our marriage is completely unique and literally has a mind/heart of its own beyond what I and my wife think it should be. After I surrender my wants/needs/preconceptions and let it be, it is–idiosyncratic, clumsy, silly, fun, safe, nurturing, challenging, colorful, adventurous, inspiring, playful, confounding, simple, eloquent, changing, amazing. . .you get the gist. I love the marriage as much as I love my wife, my daughter and myself.
I strive daily to experience this marriage for what it is rather than trying to make it what it “should” be.
I also choose to make it fun!
Have fun!
A few years ago I discovered what I refer to as the
“11th Commandment.”
Thou shalt not should.
Should on others as you would have them should on you.
And never should on yourself.
Creating a world of harmony by appreciating peace and accord.
I am happily married and we have been together for 29 years. The first few years were rough but our happiness has grown each year since. We learned to stop competing. Who was right, who was wrong…my way, your way…all that stuff is a big drain, a waste of time and creates barriers. We are partners, we are on the same team. WE love each other and our children. WE are happily married. God Bless-
Dmitri, you look so relaxed and happy (good) and she is beautiful (great). Again Congrats.
My thoughts are that you know your stuff and I am sure she knows hers. As you become one you will have shared stuff. Be intentional about loving it is a choice, give grace, build up each other, push each other to become better beings.
Comfort each other. From one man to another Dmitri always pursue her and she will respond with love. Fawn respect him and he will respond with love. God bless.
Regards Robert
Remember : At every opportunity to step deeper into the exhiliration-and at every opportunity to turn and walk away in utter frustration – “Don’t let the superfices get you!”
“Love that which appears unlovable until it resonates back into the love it was pretending not to be.”-Author Unknown
Dimitri, love to hear from Fawn as well!
To me marriage is the process of two independent people learning to be interdependent. A man freely gives up some of his freedom to make sure that there is enough money in the home to raise children and support several other humans and a woman gives up some of her freedom to focus on other aspects of a successful loving home.
The point is not this conventional family model, there are many other possible ways to achieve an outcome, but sacrifice is the common thread.
Marriage at a later time in life sometimes has different versions of sacrifice, so be it, as long as you sacrifice for each other!
Blessings to both of you
Gleb
When you are wrong, say you are sorry.
When you are right, shut up.
congrads!
– Mike
Be true to yourself, to your commitment to being the best you can be, connected with your higher self. NEVER let the ego get in the way. ALWAYS trust that your partner wants the same.
And …LAUGH…HAVE FUN….and LISTEN TO EACH OTHER…especially what is unsaid…..
Dmitri & Fawn,
Congratulations to you both. Remember always, how you first fell in love. When the challenging times come in life, as they will. Communicate to one another. No matter how fearful it may seem. Stretch beyond the ‘comfort zone’ listen to one another. Hold each other as though it was the last time. Make a choice everyday to be married & love one another. Laugh, Laugh, Laugh! Blessings to you both. See you in circle.
I send Love & Light,
Debi
Forgive, forgive, forgive, and if you have trouble getting there, forgive yourself (softly out loud) for denying that it is really about you.
Try to outforgive each other. try to out apologize each other.
Remember to gently let your significant other know about your annoyance, sadness or anger, and then apologize for not realizing that it is not about the other, but about some inner part of me that is not happy.
don’t be attached to the response or outcome. Know that your work has been done and you have grown into a more loving person and forgive yourself again.
Marriage is a March, not a Waltz. With that in mind, keep love in your hearts, forgiveness in your soul and service in your body.
Go to bed together and sleep in together when you can.
It will be all OK in the end,
When it is not OK then it is not yet the end.
Fight fair, forgive quickly!!!
The grass is always greener, if you water it.
Dmitri & Fawn,
Blessings.
My advice on marriage is to join for a reason that is outside of this everyday life.
I have been married for 19 years.
Many times I have needed to remind myself that my soul-mate is co-contributing to a greater relationship than either of us could create on our own.
Advice- easy to dispense, harder to use, but here goes: Respect each other. Give each other space… and along with it the loyalty, trust, and confidence to use it. And be in love deep down at all times, no matter what else may going on on the surface at the moment. And if you’re feeling needy ask for what you want, don’t make the other person guess. And sometimes the other person just needs to work through it without your expertise or advice (in layman’s terms just shut up and be there when they get back). Play nice. Congratulations to both of you.
Dave and Janet Long
Married June 16, 1984 and still going
Dear Dmitri & Fawn,
Congratulations and good luck! And the advoce I always give to couples is the best advice I could use, “Always be yourself.”
Good luck with that too.
Bill
RESPECT
Choose each other again everyday.
Dear Fawn & Dmitri,
Joy, peace and harmony to you both, (preferably together tee hee).
Wishing you a long and happy union.
Work well, play nicely, enjoy.
Lots of love
Paul
Hi Dmitri and Fawn,
The biggest challenge in my relationship of 20+ years has been to allow Alice to be exactly who she is on this planet, not restrict her growth , and love her anyway.
good luck and I hope you come and visit us back in Germany for some more Wow !
John
Love is blind marriage is the eye opener.
Blessings to you and my condolences to how it use to be.
M
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good luck
Avoid dualistic concepts of public realm and private realms. The weight of the world is heavier when everyone leaves it to the NSA and CIA. The government has been encouraging the abandonment of politics for forty years, ( I mean real politics, not elections which are the opposite of politics) This has made everyone say the world spiritual which is a sure sign of the absence of the spirit.