Archives for 2009

Bypass massive pain by asking yourself the right question

I’m excited about today’s newsletter because it has the potential to really save you from a lot of unnecessary pain from harsh self-judgments and self-criticism.

If you’re reading this website, you most likely agree that “working on yourself” is important. You probably rely on doing “personal work” to heal old wounds, to get through tough times, and to move toward your goals.

I’m writing this today because I’ve seen a consistent problem in the way most people “work on themselves” that causes a lot of unnecessary pain.

This problem knocks the healing process off the straight path and will lead you ’round and ’round in circles instead.
Click here to read the rest of this entry

When asking "Why?" is a big mistake

question markIf you’ve found yourself asking “Why did I do that?” after you’ve done something you didn’t want to do, then this posting will be very useful to you.

It turns out that when you know when to ask “Why?” — and more importantly, when when you know not to ask “Why?” — you’ll be able to remove a real source of pain from your healing process.

Let me explain by telling you a story…
Click here to read the rest of this entry

"My problem is I’m too nice."

My problem is I\'m too nice!!From time to time I’ve heard people say, “My problem is I’m too nice.”

In fact, I’ve probably said it once or twice myself. 😉

But there’s a problem with saying “My problem is I’m too nice.” I’ve noticed that, most of the time, the people who say it are often the same people who can be overly harsh and sometimes even mean.

Yes, sometimes they are “doormats” for the world, but at other times, if anything, they go overboard with compensating for that, in the pursuit of not being “too nice.”

And in my observation, that has never helped their situations.

Today I’d like to help you get to what is really going on if you find yourself thinking “My problem is I’m too nice,” and offer some guidance of where you really need to look if you feel like you’ve been stuck being a doormat.
Click here to read the rest of this entry

Why can’t you visualize a crosswalk, then step into traffic?

crosswalkI know I’m in the middle of writing a series about compassion, but I got inspired to write this first, so I’m sharing it with you today.

A coaching client recently told me this:

“I know a woman who wants to get married and have babies, so she’s set up a nursery in her house, and spends time sitting in it reading baby books, as if she is reading to an actual baby.

“I asked her about it, and she said that it’s important to create the space for what you want to attract in your life. She said it’s important to really believe in it, and to live as if it’s already in your life, which is what she is doing. But it sounds crazy to me — she’s not out meeting potential husbands, she’s sitting at home reading baby books! What’s up with this?”

I had to admit, she really was visualizing the outcome she wanted. She really was living as if her outcome was true, and had already happened. She had aligned her mind to “attraction,” by making the space for what she wanted in her life.

But the fact is, I (and my client) both found her behavior sort of creepy.

Click here to read the rest of this entry

How to be the ’empty cup’ that calls forth compassion and healing

As I’ve been preparing for this series of newsletters about compassion, I’ve been most surprised by two things —

First, by how hard it is to precisely define compassion in a way that really encompasses it — and

Second, by how well you can be guided in being compassionate by simple “do and don’t” -style rules.

Today I want to talk about the experience of compassion… And to give you the first surprising thing I’ve discovered about using compassion to bring healing to yourself and to others.

What is compassion?

Of course, I’m not in any way the first person to write about compassion — it’s a BIG subject. The Buddha said that “Compassion is that which makes the heart of the good move at the pain of others.” Some have described it as an “emotional resonance.” I think of it as “feeling for” or “feeling with” someone as they are going through difficulty.

But rather than struggle with definitions, let’s talk instead about the sensation of compassion — where the “rubber hits the road” in your experience.

How do you know if you are feeling compassion, for yourself or for someone else?
Click here to read the rest of this entry

Self-Compassion: Healing’s Secret Ingredient

It’s almost a taboo in our society to have compassion for yourself. If you were taught anything, it was probably to NOT have self-compassion, to not be a “crybaby,” or to “stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

And that’s too bad, because opening your heart to yourself is a critical part of any healing experience. The better you are at it, the faster and deeper you will heal from any upset.

If you know me (ether through these newsletters or from my seminars or phone coaching), you know that I’m always looking for the “secret ingredient” — the one thing in any situation that has a disproportionate effect on the outcome.

In the healing process, one “secret ingredient” — the simple thing that accelerates you toward the “healing moment” — is self-compassion.

Opening your heart to YOURSELF does more to bring about healing than just about anything else.

I’m going to share some tips, techniques and insights I’ve found have made it easier for people to access their self-compassion. (And, as a bonus, it will also make it easier for you to be compassionate to others!)

Once you know these simple steps you’ll be able to get through upsetting experiences faster, get unstuck more quickly, be able to go for what you want with your whole heart. You’ll also be able to be happier and more at peace no matter what your circumstances.
Click here to read the rest of this entry